Your hair lies in swirls about you
And threads tangle in my mind
A simple sigh lands
And drifts - the air I breathe
I touch your skin
With a shimmering hand
It's funny, when reading some of my old journals tonight I came across several entries covering several months which pretty much all centered around some guy whom I didn't name (was I afraid of someone reading it?) and for the life of me, even with all the details and references I cannot figure out who I was talking about! I still can't!!
Then I come across the above lines on a blank page with no reference at all and I know exactly who they are about...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Want Lists
So among my other "gems" I discovered in a box of papers tonight I ran into my old "Want List". Our lives change in such unexpected ways over time that I kind of expected the list to have no real relativity to my life now.
So it was kind of ironic that somehow I managed to achieve all these things in my life and they are still relevant today. Obviously my list was not very superficial because those are the types of things that would have changed with time. And even though I forgot about these things, and got caught up in the bullshit of modern life, my life experiences gave me the wisdom and understanding I lacked to make those characteristics I wished for innate. I'm sure this is not the average "want" list of a 20 year old girl in today's society but here it is, written by yours truly about 8 or 9 years ago:
I WANT:
I want to be completely honest; both with myself and others
I want to learn to accept and love people for who they are, not who I want them to be
I want to say what I mean and mean what I say
I want to not care what others think and be true to myself %100 of the time
I want to love and be loved
I want to help others be confident in who they are and stay true to themselves (I have an ulterior motive here...people are much more interesting when they are not all the same:)
I want to See it All and Not be depressed by All I See
I want to accept that no "thing/accomplishment/place/person" will bring me permanent happiness, but that happiness is intrinsic and I'll always have it if I'm the one carrying it with me.
I never want to lose my connection with nature and earth/universe around me
I want to grasp and enjoy all the things/people that I connect with, even if it isn't permanent
I want to stop protecting myself and be open to life
How did someone like me (the girl who wrote the sputterings in the previous post) end up so freaking Happy?
Because I was always innately happy! It was the people and society around me that made me sad...and it's those of us who've visited the darkest corners of our own souls that come out the other side, enlightened for having gone through it.
Hmmmm....I think it is time to make a new want list only I don't really "want" anything specific anymore. Is it enough to want to just live and experience, learn, and love? Why Yes, I think it is!
When you put yourself out there and give all you have to offer, there's nothing left to hide and protect anymore: then you are truly free! FREEDOM baby - I love it!!
So it was kind of ironic that somehow I managed to achieve all these things in my life and they are still relevant today. Obviously my list was not very superficial because those are the types of things that would have changed with time. And even though I forgot about these things, and got caught up in the bullshit of modern life, my life experiences gave me the wisdom and understanding I lacked to make those characteristics I wished for innate. I'm sure this is not the average "want" list of a 20 year old girl in today's society but here it is, written by yours truly about 8 or 9 years ago:
I WANT:
I want to be completely honest; both with myself and others
I want to learn to accept and love people for who they are, not who I want them to be
I want to say what I mean and mean what I say
I want to not care what others think and be true to myself %100 of the time
I want to love and be loved
I want to help others be confident in who they are and stay true to themselves (I have an ulterior motive here...people are much more interesting when they are not all the same:)
I want to See it All and Not be depressed by All I See
I want to accept that no "thing/accomplishment/place/person" will bring me permanent happiness, but that happiness is intrinsic and I'll always have it if I'm the one carrying it with me.
I never want to lose my connection with nature and earth/universe around me
I want to grasp and enjoy all the things/people that I connect with, even if it isn't permanent
I want to stop protecting myself and be open to life
How did someone like me (the girl who wrote the sputterings in the previous post) end up so freaking Happy?
Because I was always innately happy! It was the people and society around me that made me sad...and it's those of us who've visited the darkest corners of our own souls that come out the other side, enlightened for having gone through it.
Hmmmm....I think it is time to make a new want list only I don't really "want" anything specific anymore. Is it enough to want to just live and experience, learn, and love? Why Yes, I think it is!
When you put yourself out there and give all you have to offer, there's nothing left to hide and protect anymore: then you are truly free! FREEDOM baby - I love it!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
To Know How Far I've Come
It's important to remember how we felt and what we thought we knew...to see how far we have come.
While I embrace all that I have ever been and will ever be I am happy to have manifested myself out of the chaos and learned how to put my energy out there; instead of ignorantly entrapping it and letting it overrun me.
This is something I just found that I wrote on June 13, 2000: (I have edited down the length)
The world lives around me
Humming through.
My body aches, I want
To fall apart.
I can no longer bend.
Where does sanity keep?
In the waves of the ocean,
That promise to
Rip me from my bones.
I no longer care to think
I wish I could swell
A little further,
So I might burst.
Intangible:
Tight masks and iron cages.
A hard and polished stone
Goes silent in my chest.
I don't fit. A rubber band
Snaps against my wrist.
Red marked pain.
The atmosphere is too thick,
How do you all breathe?
Wash over me.
I see my own scream.
Ropes twist like snakes -
A sword I try and wield
Let me
Tighten that.
Cut your translucent coat.
I swim the channel.
Grab my own mind,
Shake it loose...
While I embrace all that I have ever been and will ever be I am happy to have manifested myself out of the chaos and learned how to put my energy out there; instead of ignorantly entrapping it and letting it overrun me.
This is something I just found that I wrote on June 13, 2000: (I have edited down the length)
The world lives around me
Humming through.
My body aches, I want
To fall apart.
I can no longer bend.
Where does sanity keep?
In the waves of the ocean,
That promise to
Rip me from my bones.
I no longer care to think
I wish I could swell
A little further,
So I might burst.
Intangible:
Tight masks and iron cages.
A hard and polished stone
Goes silent in my chest.
I don't fit. A rubber band
Snaps against my wrist.
Red marked pain.
The atmosphere is too thick,
How do you all breathe?
Wash over me.
I see my own scream.
Ropes twist like snakes -
A sword I try and wield
Let me
Tighten that.
Cut your translucent coat.
I swim the channel.
Grab my own mind,
Shake it loose...
Eternal Giving
"The reason why the universe is eternal is that it does not live for itself; it gives life to others as it transforms," - Lao Tzu
Transformation equates to energy. As we transform and change, develop and morph, we release energy into the environment around us...while everything around us is doing the same thing. There is a constant flow of energy available to all of us. The problem is with people who are stuck. When you don't grow or change you are producing nothing, your energy literally becomes stagnate, and then you have to take other energy unnaturally and the balanced ebb and flow is broken.
The universe by it's very nature is in a constant state of transformation and flux, thereby releasing immeasurable amounts of energy into the atmosphere. If you are likewise then you too participate in this "letting" off of energy, and in turn receive all the energy you need to continue to manifest.
The universe knows what it's doing, learn from it's example:
There's more energy out there then you could or would ever need and it will come to you if it knows you are only borrowing/recycling it - helping it transform, following the natural process it knows to be right. No energy wants to be consumed and locked inside where it cannot change or grow but only gradually lose it's charge and become bogged down to nothingness...
If you live for the universe and the natural process of life you will recognize you are part of something that is eternal...you are not in fact a "you", you are little spec of a very large consciousness. Listen. The Universe knows how to be. You know how to be.
Transformation equates to energy. As we transform and change, develop and morph, we release energy into the environment around us...while everything around us is doing the same thing. There is a constant flow of energy available to all of us. The problem is with people who are stuck. When you don't grow or change you are producing nothing, your energy literally becomes stagnate, and then you have to take other energy unnaturally and the balanced ebb and flow is broken.
The universe by it's very nature is in a constant state of transformation and flux, thereby releasing immeasurable amounts of energy into the atmosphere. If you are likewise then you too participate in this "letting" off of energy, and in turn receive all the energy you need to continue to manifest.
The universe knows what it's doing, learn from it's example:
There's more energy out there then you could or would ever need and it will come to you if it knows you are only borrowing/recycling it - helping it transform, following the natural process it knows to be right. No energy wants to be consumed and locked inside where it cannot change or grow but only gradually lose it's charge and become bogged down to nothingness...
If you live for the universe and the natural process of life you will recognize you are part of something that is eternal...you are not in fact a "you", you are little spec of a very large consciousness. Listen. The Universe knows how to be. You know how to be.
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