Carpal-tunnel Texting fingers

     I guess you could say this particular reflection all started when my doctor told me I probably was developing carpal-tunnel in my fingers and wrists, from "texting" (or in my case playing solitaire) on my phone.

     I was at lunch with a friend recently which suffered from prolonged periods of silence. I am a talker and with most people can find some subject upon which to talk over reach other quite successfully, but I my attempts at various lines of thought was met with a kind of verbose vacancy. In other words the person was emitting a decent amount of words but they contained absolutely no meaning or point and definitely did not encourage further pontification. Those dreadful one word answers some people emit on a regular basis probably would have been preferable to trying to wade through streams of words trying to find a point.

     It was only made worse by the fact that the person was intermittently distracted by a series of texts on their phone. Now this is one of my pet peeves. If I am taking time out of my day to hang out with someone for any reason I focus on that person - not my phone. A subtle check every once in awhile is fine. But carrying on rampant text-a-thons is just plain rude.

     As my dining companion picked up their phone only a second after having just set it back down, I heaved a little sigh looked around dreading my own boredom...and proceeded to play solitaire on my own phone. What a pair we must have made in the restaurant - a sad but true representation of my generation.
     ...ironically I was sort of in love with this person - just goes to show how off base "feelings" can be in comparison to logic or understanding.

Realizations

        Everytime I think I know myself so well and I've learned so much...life makes me aware of even more about myself and/or the world around me. It's kind of humbling. I think I've evolved so much and then someone/thing makes me aware that no, I have not, in fact evolved all that much and I still have plenty of learning to do.
       What's really amazing is that 5 or 6, even 10 years ago I thought I had things pretty well figured out. Hahaha...
        Two things in particular were brought to my attention in the last few days. The first, I am more then happy to contemplate, the second by it's very nature (an issue of avoidance) makes me not want to ponder it on the page, however, I will endeavor to do so - maybe.
        Firstly, There are certain tasks that most people perform because they know they have to and they are relatively successful at it: paying bills, cleaning your house, getting groceries, etc. I have always had the impression that these things get easier with age as you recognize responsibility and understand the importance of being organized or having good credit.
         I have struggled for years and years to try and fix this, but it is my very nature that makes me not successful and no matter how much I try and train myself I still live in a state of utter chaos (I have at least two years of unopened mail shoved away in bags and boxes...hmmmm).
         Someone told me today that I'm one of "those artsy people who's amazingly creative but who can't keep track of their life". Yes, yes that might be me. Trying to be this perfectly balanced "successful at it all" human being is a ridiculous undertaking.
         What really matters is that I am out there doing things and being creative and successful; not that it took me three weeks to mail a letter, or 17 threatening reminder calls to actually take the two minutes to pay the damn bill! So I am being responsible. I've hired someone to help me with the personal logistics of my life!! And I'm even learning how to delegate the little things off at work - that's why I have a support person - imagine that!

        Ahh as for that second thing well, I've realized there is a part of myself I've kept pretty closed off for a long time and I'm always preaching to everyone about being open, well I probably need to take a little of my own advice. What's strange is that I closed it off so far and for so long that I am no longer really aware that it started as something different. I just thought the way I am now is the way I've always been...but someone reminded me that is not so, which in turn made me aware of the fact that I made a more or less conscious decision at some point to change that about myself.
      

To Know How Far I've Come

It's important to remember how we felt and what we thought we knew...to see how far we have come.

While I embrace all that I have ever been and will ever be I am happy to have manifested myself out of the chaos and learned how to put my energy out there; instead of ignorantly entrapping it and letting it overrun me.

This is something I just found that I wrote on June 13, 2000: (I have edited down the length)

The world lives around me
Humming through.
My body aches, I want
To fall apart.
I can no longer bend.

Where does sanity keep?
In the waves of the ocean,
That promise to
Rip me from my bones.
I no longer care to think

I wish I could swell
A little further,
So I might burst.
Intangible:
Tight masks and iron cages.

A hard and polished stone
Goes silent in my chest.

I don't fit. A rubber band
Snaps against my wrist.
Red marked pain.
The atmosphere is too thick,
How do you all breathe?

Wash over me.
I see my own scream.
Ropes twist like snakes -
A sword I try and wield
Let me

Tighten that.
Cut your translucent coat.
I swim the channel.
Grab my own mind,
Shake it loose...