To encourage or not to encourage - that is the question. I've always had conflicting emotions about encouraging the artistic elements of my personality - mainly because the creative juices seem to appear in tandem with emotions fluxing in an even more chaotic pattern than normal.
That being said, taking a year off of work (well 9-5 work), and seeking a better understanding of yourself, the people, and the world around you, will also open a lot self awareness and what I like to think of as a healthier level of self control. Controlling and/or bottling up your emotions, forcing yourself to put on a persona or act in a way that is not natural to yourself are all examples of bad control. All things I had heavy patterns of doing. Now I've more or less learned to control my own reactions to myself. I acknowledge and let the various thoughts or emotions surface naturally (instead of trying to suppress to alter them) and then choose to not react to or follow the lead on the more turbulent ones - I know they are simply passing states and like everything in life, they are never in the next second what they were in the one before.
Now as I experience another one of my more "Creative" periods (ala "Crazy") periods I am happy to discover my creativity is now a immensely more productive. I am actually able to finish projects, and realize some of the visions I was previously incapable of bringing to fruition. No longer a slave to any flux in creative drive and emotion, I can now channel and accept all those facets and not feel driven or overwhelmed by them. I can harness them all in a way that is productive to whatever I am working on. Basically I can laugh (a lot) at myself - especially when I am being particularly dramarama in my own head. Yay for me haha.
...Now I just need to learn to apply all this vast knowledge and self-awareness to my interpersonal relationships...yeahhhhhhhhhh
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Book Review: No Boundary by Ken Wilbur
No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth
By Ken Wilbur
In a line: Becoming aware of the various boundaries we have erected in our minds, our society, even in our bodies and how to recognize these and dissolve them.
Chewing through the first few chapters of this book was a bit daunting and I like big words and complex ideas. That being said the chapters actually get lighter the further you read so don't be discouraged by it's weighty front end - it is a fabulous read and will give you lots to ponder...
I started to write an overview of how I understood the content, however that ran into several pages and didn't make a whole lot of sense - let's just say Ken Wilbur says it better.
Here's a list of my top ten (ok 12) quotes from the book - along with some commentary relevant to my reading:
1. "Who are you?" When you are describing or explaining or even just inwardly feeling your "self", what you are actually doing, whether you know it or not, is drawing a mental line or boundary across the whole field of your experience, and everything on the inside of that boundary you are feeling or calling your "self", while everything outside that boundary you feel to be "not-self". Your self identity, in other words, depends entirely upon where you draw that line.
This is at the core of the book's message, how and where we draw lines to individualize ourselves or in turn separate ourselves - from facets of our own persona, to our bodies, to experiences and things around us...
2. Eve, who by the way was really much wiser than Adam, usually held her tongue. That is, she declined to reciprocate with word magic, for she knew in her heart that words were a two-edged sword, and that he who lives by the sword, perishes by the sword.
In humanities growth we reached a point where labeling (words) and language developed, and began classifying things as separate, creating more and more boundaries. I had to include this quote however, because anyone who's ever tried to get me to communicate about things (especially emotions) knows I don't like to express myself in words - words draw lines and emotions definitely include both sides of all coins - so in speaking I choose this or that and then deny the rest, but because I actually feel many parts I end up sounding like a HUGE contradiction.
3. Yet, despite the obvious comforts of medicine and agriculture, there is not the least bit of evidence to suggest that, after centuries of accentuating positives and trying to eliminate negatives, humanity is any happier, more content, or more at peace with itself. In fact, the available evidence suggests just the contrary: today is the "age of anxiety," of "future shock," of epidemic frustration and alienation, of boredom in the midst of wealth and meaninglessness in the midst of plenty.
Here's where we constantly draw lines, good vs. evil, black vs. white, right vs. wrong, we separate everything and so deny the elements of those things that actually connect them. This does not mean there should be no such thing as morality etc. but more a recognition that even when you do something "right" there is still some "wrongness" in it.
4. A quote from the Buddhist text, the Lankavatara Sutra: "False-imagination teaches that such things as light and shade, long and short, black and white are different and are to be discriminated; but they are not independent of each other; they are only different aspects of the same thing, they are terms of relation, not of reality. Conditions of existence are not of a mutually exclusive character; in essence things are not two but one."
5. Buddha's teachings really says it all:
"Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it."
Stated positively: when it is realized that one's self is the All, there is then nothing outside of oneself which could inflict suffering. Stated negatively: this understanding is a liberation from all suffering because it is a liberation from the notion that there is a self which can suffer in the first place. As Wei Wu Wei put it:
"Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 percent
Of everything you think, and
Of everything you do,
Is for yourself -
And there isn't one.
6. To enter deeply into this present moment is thus to plunge into eternity, to step through the looking glass and into the world of the Unborn and the Undying. For there is no beginning to this present moment, and that which has no beginning is Unborn. In the same vein, there is no ending to this present moment, and that which has no ending is the Undying.
Definitely a deeper look at what "living in the moment means". Thinking in terms of no beginning and no end is what got us in trouble with boundaries in the first place. The infinity concept is so overwhelming we need to define it, draw it's lines and boundaries so we grasp it. But this only traps us in time, which in turn brings us a start and a stop...
7. We dwell in yesterdays and dream forever of tomorrows, and thus bind ourselves with the torturous chains of time and the ghosts of things not really present.
8. The person who is beginning to sense the suffering of life it, at the same time, beginning to awaken to deeper realities, truer realities. For suffering smashes to pieces the complacency of our normal fictions about reality, and forces us to become alive in a special sense.
Anyone close to me has probably felt or witnessed my own special brand of suffering - however for as many times as I thought "ignorance is bliss" I always chose the other path. Painful as reality is for me to process or accept sometimes, Lord knows I love to do things the hard way...
9. She has narrowed her boundaries so as to exclude the unwanted tendencies. These alienated tendencies are therefore projected as the shadow, and the individual is identified only with what's left: a narrowed, impoverished, and inaccurate self-image, the persona. A new boundary is constructed, and another battle of opposites is on: the persona vs. its own shadow.
Hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar...we all wish we could lose the parts of ourselves we don't want to see - if we are even self-aware enough to recognize what we may be ignoring or hiding. He also comments: "The more her little black heart clamors for attention, the more she resists it. The more she resists it, the more strength is acquires, and the more it demands her awareness."
10. Most people have a very strong resistance to accepting their own shadows, a resistance to admitting that their projected impulses and traits are theirs. A person resists his shadow, resists the disliked aspects of himself, and therefore projects them. An impulse (such as drive, anger, or desire) which arises in you and is naturally aimed at the environment, when projected, appears as an impulse originating in the environment and aimed at you.
We could all do with a seriously good look at this, not only in the action of the "projector" but as the object of being "projected upon". I press my own weaknesses upon those around me and then judge them for having those weaknesses. Or on the flip side, how often have I puzzled at a partner or friend accusing me of some emotion which is actually coming from themselves?
Apparently I hi-lighted a lot more than 10 quotes - so I will end with one final one: (but you get the idea, read the book for more insight...)
11. To find egoic meaning in life is to do something in life, and up to a point that is appropriate. But beyond the ego is beyond that type of meaning - to a meaning that is less of doing and more of being. As e.e.cummings put it: "If you can be, be. If not, cheer up and go on about other peoples' business, doing and undoing unto others 'til you drop."
To find centauric meaning in life - fundamental meaning - is to find that the very processes of life itself generate joy. Meaning is found, not in outward actions and possessions, but in the inner radiant currents of your own being, and in the release and relationship of these currents to the world, to friends, to humanity at large, and to infinity itself.
and ideally:
12. She is no longer exclusively identified with just her ego or centaur, and thus she is no longer suffocated by purely personal problems and dramas. In a sense she can let go of her individual concerns and view them with a creative detachment, realizing that whatever problems her personal self faces, her deeper self transcends them to remain untouched, free, open. She finds, haltingly at first but then with an ever-increasing certainty, a quiet source of inner strength that persists unperturbed, like the depths of the ocean, even though the surface waves of consciousness are swept with torrents of pain, anxiety, or despair.
By Ken Wilbur
In a line: Becoming aware of the various boundaries we have erected in our minds, our society, even in our bodies and how to recognize these and dissolve them.
Chewing through the first few chapters of this book was a bit daunting and I like big words and complex ideas. That being said the chapters actually get lighter the further you read so don't be discouraged by it's weighty front end - it is a fabulous read and will give you lots to ponder...
I started to write an overview of how I understood the content, however that ran into several pages and didn't make a whole lot of sense - let's just say Ken Wilbur says it better.
Here's a list of my top ten (ok 12) quotes from the book - along with some commentary relevant to my reading:
1. "Who are you?" When you are describing or explaining or even just inwardly feeling your "self", what you are actually doing, whether you know it or not, is drawing a mental line or boundary across the whole field of your experience, and everything on the inside of that boundary you are feeling or calling your "self", while everything outside that boundary you feel to be "not-self". Your self identity, in other words, depends entirely upon where you draw that line.
This is at the core of the book's message, how and where we draw lines to individualize ourselves or in turn separate ourselves - from facets of our own persona, to our bodies, to experiences and things around us...
2. Eve, who by the way was really much wiser than Adam, usually held her tongue. That is, she declined to reciprocate with word magic, for she knew in her heart that words were a two-edged sword, and that he who lives by the sword, perishes by the sword.
In humanities growth we reached a point where labeling (words) and language developed, and began classifying things as separate, creating more and more boundaries. I had to include this quote however, because anyone who's ever tried to get me to communicate about things (especially emotions) knows I don't like to express myself in words - words draw lines and emotions definitely include both sides of all coins - so in speaking I choose this or that and then deny the rest, but because I actually feel many parts I end up sounding like a HUGE contradiction.
3. Yet, despite the obvious comforts of medicine and agriculture, there is not the least bit of evidence to suggest that, after centuries of accentuating positives and trying to eliminate negatives, humanity is any happier, more content, or more at peace with itself. In fact, the available evidence suggests just the contrary: today is the "age of anxiety," of "future shock," of epidemic frustration and alienation, of boredom in the midst of wealth and meaninglessness in the midst of plenty.
Here's where we constantly draw lines, good vs. evil, black vs. white, right vs. wrong, we separate everything and so deny the elements of those things that actually connect them. This does not mean there should be no such thing as morality etc. but more a recognition that even when you do something "right" there is still some "wrongness" in it.
4. A quote from the Buddhist text, the Lankavatara Sutra: "False-imagination teaches that such things as light and shade, long and short, black and white are different and are to be discriminated; but they are not independent of each other; they are only different aspects of the same thing, they are terms of relation, not of reality. Conditions of existence are not of a mutually exclusive character; in essence things are not two but one."
5. Buddha's teachings really says it all:
"Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it."
Stated positively: when it is realized that one's self is the All, there is then nothing outside of oneself which could inflict suffering. Stated negatively: this understanding is a liberation from all suffering because it is a liberation from the notion that there is a self which can suffer in the first place. As Wei Wu Wei put it:
"Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 percent
Of everything you think, and
Of everything you do,
Is for yourself -
And there isn't one.
6. To enter deeply into this present moment is thus to plunge into eternity, to step through the looking glass and into the world of the Unborn and the Undying. For there is no beginning to this present moment, and that which has no beginning is Unborn. In the same vein, there is no ending to this present moment, and that which has no ending is the Undying.
Definitely a deeper look at what "living in the moment means". Thinking in terms of no beginning and no end is what got us in trouble with boundaries in the first place. The infinity concept is so overwhelming we need to define it, draw it's lines and boundaries so we grasp it. But this only traps us in time, which in turn brings us a start and a stop...
7. We dwell in yesterdays and dream forever of tomorrows, and thus bind ourselves with the torturous chains of time and the ghosts of things not really present.
8. The person who is beginning to sense the suffering of life it, at the same time, beginning to awaken to deeper realities, truer realities. For suffering smashes to pieces the complacency of our normal fictions about reality, and forces us to become alive in a special sense.
Anyone close to me has probably felt or witnessed my own special brand of suffering - however for as many times as I thought "ignorance is bliss" I always chose the other path. Painful as reality is for me to process or accept sometimes, Lord knows I love to do things the hard way...
9. She has narrowed her boundaries so as to exclude the unwanted tendencies. These alienated tendencies are therefore projected as the shadow, and the individual is identified only with what's left: a narrowed, impoverished, and inaccurate self-image, the persona. A new boundary is constructed, and another battle of opposites is on: the persona vs. its own shadow.
Hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar...we all wish we could lose the parts of ourselves we don't want to see - if we are even self-aware enough to recognize what we may be ignoring or hiding. He also comments: "The more her little black heart clamors for attention, the more she resists it. The more she resists it, the more strength is acquires, and the more it demands her awareness."
10. Most people have a very strong resistance to accepting their own shadows, a resistance to admitting that their projected impulses and traits are theirs. A person resists his shadow, resists the disliked aspects of himself, and therefore projects them. An impulse (such as drive, anger, or desire) which arises in you and is naturally aimed at the environment, when projected, appears as an impulse originating in the environment and aimed at you.
We could all do with a seriously good look at this, not only in the action of the "projector" but as the object of being "projected upon". I press my own weaknesses upon those around me and then judge them for having those weaknesses. Or on the flip side, how often have I puzzled at a partner or friend accusing me of some emotion which is actually coming from themselves?
Apparently I hi-lighted a lot more than 10 quotes - so I will end with one final one: (but you get the idea, read the book for more insight...)
11. To find egoic meaning in life is to do something in life, and up to a point that is appropriate. But beyond the ego is beyond that type of meaning - to a meaning that is less of doing and more of being. As e.e.cummings put it: "If you can be, be. If not, cheer up and go on about other peoples' business, doing and undoing unto others 'til you drop."
To find centauric meaning in life - fundamental meaning - is to find that the very processes of life itself generate joy. Meaning is found, not in outward actions and possessions, but in the inner radiant currents of your own being, and in the release and relationship of these currents to the world, to friends, to humanity at large, and to infinity itself.
and ideally:
12. She is no longer exclusively identified with just her ego or centaur, and thus she is no longer suffocated by purely personal problems and dramas. In a sense she can let go of her individual concerns and view them with a creative detachment, realizing that whatever problems her personal self faces, her deeper self transcends them to remain untouched, free, open. She finds, haltingly at first but then with an ever-increasing certainty, a quiet source of inner strength that persists unperturbed, like the depths of the ocean, even though the surface waves of consciousness are swept with torrents of pain, anxiety, or despair.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Anais Nin Top 10 Quotes: Diary Vol.1
Just finished rereading volume one of Anais Nin's diaries...such awesome insight into the artistic human soul. This volume of her diary primarily focuses around her affair with Henry Miller (and his wife June), and her psychoanalysis with Dr.'s Allendy and Otto Rank. The way she questions her own nature as well as plumbs the depths of artistically inclined people (along with their neurosis) is incredibly insightful - especially to one like myself who share's many of these characteristics...and is completely neurotic:)
Here are my favorite quotes from this volume:
1. For this is the moment when I relive my life in terms of a dream, a myth, an endless story... (in reference to her writing in her diary).
2. When a higher moment comes, all details recede into the background. I never lost sight of the whole. An impeccable dress is made to be lived in, to be torn, wet, stained, crumpled.
3. Literature is an exaggeration, a dramatization, & those who are nourished on it are in great danger of trying to approximate an impossible rhythm.
4. I assimilate such a draught of sensations, wonder at the beauty of women, the magnetism of men.
5. A big enough artist, I say, can eat anything, must eat everything and then alchemize it. Only the feeble writer is afraid of expansion.
6. A writer is the duelest who never fights at the stated hour, who gathers up an insult, like another curious object, a collector's item, spreads it out on his desk later, and then engages in a duel with it verbally.
7. That is why the writer is the loneliest man in the world: because he lives, fights, dies, is reborn always alone; all his roles are played behind a curtain.
8. Poetic vision is not the outcome of blindness but of a force which can transcend the ugliest face of reality, swallow and dissolve it by it's strength, not evasion.
9. He (Dr. Rank) considered neurosis a failed work of art, the neurotic a failed artist. Neurosis, was a manifestation of imagination and energy gone wrong. Instead of a fruit or flower, I had borne obsessions and anxieties.
10. The neurotic feels his next statement is expected to fit into a logical continuity whose pressure he finally succumbs to. The more this process becomes clear to him, the more he experiences a kind of discouragement with the banality of it and deprives him of that very illusion and creative halo which is necessary to the recreation of a human being. Instead of discovering the poetic, imaginative, creative potentialities of his disease (since every neurotic fantasy is really a twisted aborted work of art), he discovers the de-poetization of it, which makes him a cripple instead of a potential artist.
1. For this is the moment when I relive my life in terms of a dream, a myth, an endless story... (in reference to her writing in her diary).
2. When a higher moment comes, all details recede into the background. I never lost sight of the whole. An impeccable dress is made to be lived in, to be torn, wet, stained, crumpled.
3. Literature is an exaggeration, a dramatization, & those who are nourished on it are in great danger of trying to approximate an impossible rhythm.
4. I assimilate such a draught of sensations, wonder at the beauty of women, the magnetism of men.
5. A big enough artist, I say, can eat anything, must eat everything and then alchemize it. Only the feeble writer is afraid of expansion.
6. A writer is the duelest who never fights at the stated hour, who gathers up an insult, like another curious object, a collector's item, spreads it out on his desk later, and then engages in a duel with it verbally.
7. That is why the writer is the loneliest man in the world: because he lives, fights, dies, is reborn always alone; all his roles are played behind a curtain.
8. Poetic vision is not the outcome of blindness but of a force which can transcend the ugliest face of reality, swallow and dissolve it by it's strength, not evasion.
9. He (Dr. Rank) considered neurosis a failed work of art, the neurotic a failed artist. Neurosis, was a manifestation of imagination and energy gone wrong. Instead of a fruit or flower, I had borne obsessions and anxieties.
10. The neurotic feels his next statement is expected to fit into a logical continuity whose pressure he finally succumbs to. The more this process becomes clear to him, the more he experiences a kind of discouragement with the banality of it and deprives him of that very illusion and creative halo which is necessary to the recreation of a human being. Instead of discovering the poetic, imaginative, creative potentialities of his disease (since every neurotic fantasy is really a twisted aborted work of art), he discovers the de-poetization of it, which makes him a cripple instead of a potential artist.
Where have all the idiots come from?
In our attempt to "simplify" our lives we have resorted to all forms of shortcuts, including in our modes of communication. A recent episode of the TV show Bones (yes I love Bones! But if Booth and Bones don't hook up this season I'm over it, 6 seasons is just to long to wait) the Jersey shore-esque kids (suspects) were being questioned in regards to several text messages sent. I can't even remember the inane sequences of letters and numbers, but it made me realize we really do have people spelling out entire sentences with the first letters only: RUFRTIFR! Yeah don't even try...
Eek! I have to admit I have become a perpetrator of the modern text language but that is getting ridiculous.
We all have ADD so bad now we can't even say Attention Deficit Disorder!
When we resort to such sort cuts it's true we get our point or meaning across quicker, but it's also more likely to be misunderstood (how many relationships have problems because people read into the intonation of text messages incorrectly?), and the beauty and nuance of language is becoming lost - something I love and miss coming from sources other than myself. It's also lowering the general impression of intelligence out there...
Of course this being said, I am a complete contradiction of my own tirade and absolute hypocrite (like most honest people) - being that I have horrible ADHD (yes I take adderall), text my mother YT (your turn) all the time to remind her of our WWFG (Words With Friends Game), and often have music playing while watching a movie, while playing games on my phone, while writing on my computer...but at least I strive for intelligence and the unusual, the beautiful moments in life...
Eek! I have to admit I have become a perpetrator of the modern text language but that is getting ridiculous.
We all have ADD so bad now we can't even say Attention Deficit Disorder!
When we resort to such sort cuts it's true we get our point or meaning across quicker, but it's also more likely to be misunderstood (how many relationships have problems because people read into the intonation of text messages incorrectly?), and the beauty and nuance of language is becoming lost - something I love and miss coming from sources other than myself. It's also lowering the general impression of intelligence out there...
Of course this being said, I am a complete contradiction of my own tirade and absolute hypocrite (like most honest people) - being that I have horrible ADHD (yes I take adderall), text my mother YT (your turn) all the time to remind her of our WWFG (Words With Friends Game), and often have music playing while watching a movie, while playing games on my phone, while writing on my computer...but at least I strive for intelligence and the unusual, the beautiful moments in life...
Carpal-tunnel Texting fingers
I guess you could say this particular reflection all started when my doctor told me I probably was developing carpal-tunnel in my fingers and wrists, from "texting" (or in my case playing solitaire) on my phone.
I was at lunch with a friend recently which suffered from prolonged periods of silence. I am a talker and with most people can find some subject upon which to talk over reach other quite successfully, but I my attempts at various lines of thought was met with a kind of verbose vacancy. In other words the person was emitting a decent amount of words but they contained absolutely no meaning or point and definitely did not encourage further pontification. Those dreadful one word answers some people emit on a regular basis probably would have been preferable to trying to wade through streams of words trying to find a point.
It was only made worse by the fact that the person was intermittently distracted by a series of texts on their phone. Now this is one of my pet peeves. If I am taking time out of my day to hang out with someone for any reason I focus on that person - not my phone. A subtle check every once in awhile is fine. But carrying on rampant text-a-thons is just plain rude.
As my dining companion picked up their phone only a second after having just set it back down, I heaved a little sigh looked around dreading my own boredom...and proceeded to play solitaire on my own phone. What a pair we must have made in the restaurant - a sad but true representation of my generation.
...ironically I was sort of in love with this person - just goes to show how off base "feelings" can be in comparison to logic or understanding.
I was at lunch with a friend recently which suffered from prolonged periods of silence. I am a talker and with most people can find some subject upon which to talk over reach other quite successfully, but I my attempts at various lines of thought was met with a kind of verbose vacancy. In other words the person was emitting a decent amount of words but they contained absolutely no meaning or point and definitely did not encourage further pontification. Those dreadful one word answers some people emit on a regular basis probably would have been preferable to trying to wade through streams of words trying to find a point.
It was only made worse by the fact that the person was intermittently distracted by a series of texts on their phone. Now this is one of my pet peeves. If I am taking time out of my day to hang out with someone for any reason I focus on that person - not my phone. A subtle check every once in awhile is fine. But carrying on rampant text-a-thons is just plain rude.
As my dining companion picked up their phone only a second after having just set it back down, I heaved a little sigh looked around dreading my own boredom...and proceeded to play solitaire on my own phone. What a pair we must have made in the restaurant - a sad but true representation of my generation.
...ironically I was sort of in love with this person - just goes to show how off base "feelings" can be in comparison to logic or understanding.
Realizations
Everytime I think I know myself so well and I've learned so much...life makes me aware of even more about myself and/or the world around me. It's kind of humbling. I think I've evolved so much and then someone/thing makes me aware that no, I have not, in fact evolved all that much and I still have plenty of learning to do.
What's really amazing is that 5 or 6, even 10 years ago I thought I had things pretty well figured out. Hahaha...
Two things in particular were brought to my attention in the last few days. The first, I am more then happy to contemplate, the second by it's very nature (an issue of avoidance) makes me not want to ponder it on the page, however, I will endeavor to do so - maybe.
Firstly, There are certain tasks that most people perform because they know they have to and they are relatively successful at it: paying bills, cleaning your house, getting groceries, etc. I have always had the impression that these things get easier with age as you recognize responsibility and understand the importance of being organized or having good credit.
I have struggled for years and years to try and fix this, but it is my very nature that makes me not successful and no matter how much I try and train myself I still live in a state of utter chaos (I have at least two years of unopened mail shoved away in bags and boxes...hmmmm).
Someone told me today that I'm one of "those artsy people who's amazingly creative but who can't keep track of their life". Yes, yes that might be me. Trying to be this perfectly balanced "successful at it all" human being is a ridiculous undertaking.
What really matters is that I am out there doing things and being creative and successful; not that it took me three weeks to mail a letter, or 17 threatening reminder calls to actually take the two minutes to pay the damn bill! So I am being responsible. I've hired someone to help me with the personal logistics of my life!! And I'm even learning how to delegate the little things off at work - that's why I have a support person - imagine that!
Ahh as for that second thing well, I've realized there is a part of myself I've kept pretty closed off for a long time and I'm always preaching to everyone about being open, well I probably need to take a little of my own advice. What's strange is that I closed it off so far and for so long that I am no longer really aware that it started as something different. I just thought the way I am now is the way I've always been...but someone reminded me that is not so, which in turn made me aware of the fact that I made a more or less conscious decision at some point to change that about myself.
What's really amazing is that 5 or 6, even 10 years ago I thought I had things pretty well figured out. Hahaha...
Two things in particular were brought to my attention in the last few days. The first, I am more then happy to contemplate, the second by it's very nature (an issue of avoidance) makes me not want to ponder it on the page, however, I will endeavor to do so - maybe.
Firstly, There are certain tasks that most people perform because they know they have to and they are relatively successful at it: paying bills, cleaning your house, getting groceries, etc. I have always had the impression that these things get easier with age as you recognize responsibility and understand the importance of being organized or having good credit.
I have struggled for years and years to try and fix this, but it is my very nature that makes me not successful and no matter how much I try and train myself I still live in a state of utter chaos (I have at least two years of unopened mail shoved away in bags and boxes...hmmmm).
Someone told me today that I'm one of "those artsy people who's amazingly creative but who can't keep track of their life". Yes, yes that might be me. Trying to be this perfectly balanced "successful at it all" human being is a ridiculous undertaking.
What really matters is that I am out there doing things and being creative and successful; not that it took me three weeks to mail a letter, or 17 threatening reminder calls to actually take the two minutes to pay the damn bill! So I am being responsible. I've hired someone to help me with the personal logistics of my life!! And I'm even learning how to delegate the little things off at work - that's why I have a support person - imagine that!
Ahh as for that second thing well, I've realized there is a part of myself I've kept pretty closed off for a long time and I'm always preaching to everyone about being open, well I probably need to take a little of my own advice. What's strange is that I closed it off so far and for so long that I am no longer really aware that it started as something different. I just thought the way I am now is the way I've always been...but someone reminded me that is not so, which in turn made me aware of the fact that I made a more or less conscious decision at some point to change that about myself.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Heal You
I see your wound,
My heart already breaking,
Let me purge your pain,
Pluck it's last drop,
Refill you with vivid life,
Hold up a mirror,
Reflected beauty
Now I crawl across the floor,
Body racked with your foreigness,
Love you until you're mostly gone,
A tear stained face,
I can't breathe,
Who else came in the door when I let you in?
Now I feel the madness closing in
My heart already breaking,
Let me purge your pain,
Pluck it's last drop,
Refill you with vivid life,
Hold up a mirror,
Reflected beauty
Now I crawl across the floor,
Body racked with your foreigness,
Love you until you're mostly gone,
A tear stained face,
I can't breathe,
Who else came in the door when I let you in?
Now I feel the madness closing in
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